Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
