All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
