If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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