You're my little dorito
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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