I cannot find my penis.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
