come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
