I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
