there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
