his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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