my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
