if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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