its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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