i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
