News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
