Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
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