In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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