some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
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