I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
