Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
