I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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