In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
