I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
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