Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
