Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
