I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
