I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize