Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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