I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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