I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
