Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
