I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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