if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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