I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize