Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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