Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Be still, my beating vagina.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize