everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
