I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
