my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
