Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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