i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
