how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
