I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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