I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
