1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
