Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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