You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
