I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
