Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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