That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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