Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
