Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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