You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
