Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
