i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize