I'm so fucking centered right now
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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