So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
