Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Found the puke drawer
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
