I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
