it's not cheating when I paid for it
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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