we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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